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Which awards are locked in? Which are still up for debate? a glance through the odds and campaigns in each category

It feels like it's been 5 years since we've seen actual NBA basketball, which may make awards debates and campaigns more difficult. Wait, who was playing well again...? Dennis Schroder? Seriously? Huh. Okay then.
As we soldier back into the bubble, there's a risk that awards voters will forget about that early part of the season (aka the vast majority) and fall victim to recency bias. Given that, we wanted to glance through the major races and determine which -- if any -- awards may still be in debate.
For this exercise, I'm using the current odds as listed by an online betting site (bovada). Note: the percentages do NOT add up to 100% because online betting sites like your money.
MVP
Giannis Antetokounmpo: - 3500 (97%)
LeBron James: +600 (14%)
is the race over?
This betting site heavily favors Giannis Antetokounmpo, although some other metrics have it closer than that. Basketball-reference's MVP tracker lists Giannis at 50.7% and LeBron at 17.3%.
I'm more inclined to believe the latter and that LeBron James would be closer to 15-20% odds. No doubt, Giannis is a worthy MVP. He's been a dominant force (again) for the top statistical team in the league (again.) He's racking up 30-14-6 in only 30.9 minutes per game. In most circumstances, he'd win this award in a walk.
That said, you can never discount "narrative," and LeBron James has a few of those going for him. The Lakers have vaulted up to the # 1 seed in the West, outperforming preseason expectations. James has played exceptionally well, and even led the league in assists. Partly because of that, James' camp has successfully gotten the media to buy into the storyline that he made a sudden transition to point guard (ya know, because he had always deferred to his point guards like Mo Williams and Mario Chalmers in the past...)
More than that, James may benefit from this strange corona-bubble. He's been a leading advocate for continuing on, and as always, players tend to follow his lead. I can see more than a few media members giving James an MVP vote for "saving the season." All in all, I expect this vote to be closer than it should be (and I expect poor James Harden to finish well behind where he should as well.)
So James will get some votes, but can he actually win the award? I wouldn't rule it out. The Lakers are currently 3 games behind the Bucks for the # 1 overall seed. It's hard to imagine Milwaukee losing enough to slip, but it's not Wallace Shawn inconceivable either. If the Lakers somehow manage to catch them, then I actually think LeBron will win MVP. Of course, it's more likely the Bucks will hang onto the # 1 seed, and Giannis will hang onto MVP. But again, I don't think it's a stone cold lock -- yet.
Rookie of the Year
Ja Morant: - 3500 (97%)
Zion Williamson: +850 (11%)
is the race over?
It should be. Zion Williamson is freakin' amazing, but he's played 19 games so far. That's 40 less than Ja Morant, who has played stellar ball for a rookie from a small school, and somehow led the Memphis Grizzlies to the 8th seed.
Still, we can't rule out the risk of recency bias and a wild overreaction from the media. Williamson has a chance to lead the Pelicans up to the 9th spot, at which point they'd play Morant's Grizzlies. If Williamson can lead New Orleans to two victories over Memphis in a row -- and thus leapfrog them in the standings -- then it's very feasible the media would throw their vote his way. The media (and the league as a whole) tends to like this Zion fella, if you haven't noticed.
Sixth Man
Dennis Schroder: - 220 (69%)
Montrezl Harrell: +190 (34%)
Lou Williams: +450 (18%)
Derrick Rose: +3000 (3%)
is the race over?
Simply put: no. It's still a three-man race in my book. The Clippers' Lou Williams and Montrezl Harrell finished 1-2 last season, and are right back in the thick of things this year. Among the two, it's harder to justify Williams' winning for the third season in a row. He hasn't played as well as last year, and hasn't been as big of a focal point for the Clippers' game plan.
With Sweet Lou taking a slight step back, it's opened the door for Dennis Schroder. He's having a career season in terms of efficiency. In fact, it's hard to understate his jump this year. In his six previous seasons, his career high true shooting percentage was only 53.3%. This season? He's vaulted up to 57.3%. The question is: have enough voters noticed? OKC has been a feel-good story this year, but Chris Paul and Shai Gilgeous-Alexander tend to get the most credit for that.
Overall, I wouldn't be surprised if voters get lazy and just fall back on the highest scorer among the three. And even by those standards, the race is wide open. Schroder is at 19.0 PPG, Williams is at 18.7 PPG, and Harrell is at 18.6 PPG. A strong (or bad) week or two in the bubble may tilt this race in any direction.
Defensive Player of the Year
Giannis Antetokounmpo: -500 (83%)
Anthony Davis: +200 (33%)
Rudy Gobert: +2800 (3%)
is the race over?
Even among savvy and analytically-inclined media members, "defense" is still something of a mystery to quantify. We see a lot of herd mentality emerge for DPOY voting, with candidates needing to stake their claim early on and campaign all season long.
In terms of storylines and narratives, it felt like Anthony Davis had the early momentum. He's a wrecking ball (1.5 steals, 2.4 blocks) who helped improve the Lakers' defense from # 12 to # 3 this season. Still, Giannis Antetokounmpo has steadily built his case for a double MVP + DPOY, and currently ranks as the betting favorite on this site.
Personally, I believe it's a closer race than these numbers suggest. At the same time, I'm not sure what their play in the bubble is going to do about it. More likely, it'll be an influential media piece (like Zach Lowe pushing for Marc Gasol) that may get voters ushering on one side or another.
Most Improved
Bam Adebayo: -150 (60%)
Brandon Ingram: +250 (29%)
Luka Doncic: +500 (17%)
Jayson Tatum: +900 (10%)
Devonte Graham: +1000 (9%)
is the race over?
Again, this race feels "too close to call" to me. John King and David Chalian may be tallying up the counties all night long.
Earlier this season, I looked back at previous Most Improved winners and tried to find some common threads. On average, the winner improved from 11.7 PPG to 19.6 PPG (roughly +8 points.)
Historically speaking, Brandon Ingram and Jayson Tatum fit close to those templates. Ingram has swelled from 18.3 PPG to 24.3 PPG in his first season in New Orleans (+6). Tatum has made an even bigger leap, going from 15.7 PPG to 23.6 PPG (essentially our exact +8). Of the two, I may lean more to Ingram myself. Tatum's taking more shots and more threes, but he was already considered a proven star prior to this. Ingram had been more of a question mark before, but has now established himself as a potential max player. The key for him has been an improved FT%. In his first three seasons, he shot 62%, 68%, and 68% from the line. This year, he's up to 86%. That's major progress, and represents a massive difference in his efficiency "floor." Still, you wonder if Ingram's momentum peaked too early. Ever since Zion Williamson came back, it feels like Ingram has been an afterthought in the media.
Conversely, Bam Adebayo's reputation within the media is still surging. He's been a major reason for the Miami Heat's success this year, nearly doubling from 8.9 PPG to 16.2 PPG (+7.3 overall.) He's also doubled his assists (from 2.2 to 5.1). If you wanted to nitpick Adebayo's candidacy, you may suggest he was pretty darn good already. A lot of the statistical upswing comes from an increase in minutes, from 23.3 to 34.4 this year.
Overall, I'd say Abebayo is the favorite, but I wouldn't lock it in yet. A player like Brandon Ingram could get hot and have a few 40 point games, at which point the momentum may swing back in his favor.
submitted by ZandrickEllison to nba [link] [comments]

Week 1, Day 2: Payback is best served with a TKO.

PROLOGUE
I know i promised in Day 1 Week 1 to post some short stories and cap it with one big story of epic proportions. But ever since i said that, i couldnt get the “big one” out of my mind. giggity
Maybe its because of how much of it was “could you believe this shit?” material. Its a story thats still going on and has been for 2 years now.
Advance warning: if you somehow dont agree with me as a person, or my story, try to voice your disagreement in a civil manner. If you can’t, just stick to PMs or keep it to yourself. Dont blast it in the comments section. This is a nice community.
No TLDRs, if you have the time to be on Reddit, you have the time to read this. Zero apologies for grammar or spelling mistakes either. Heard you can keep them and combine them with spelling/grammar mistakes from other posts, and eventually you can have a ball of grammar and spelling mistakes that you can keep as a pet and will keep you warm at night.
BACKGROUND
I am a mixed race woman: half white, half mixed asian, (redacted) years old. I am also what hard core old schoolers would call, a sinner. Yeah. Been living in sin with a partner i married in Las Vegas, USA some years ago. If that doesnt make your standard issue hypocrite cringe, we are also both active duty members of our country’s military. I work in a combat arms unit, and she drives a fighter plane for a living. Yeah, so just your basic, standard issue “baby killing lezzies”. Actual words thrown at us before.
PART 1
Once we got our permanent duty assignment, we decided to buy a property together. We bought into this nice semi gated community close to the base thats populated by about 95% active duty or retired military. We were welcomed warmly into the community, except for our immediate neighbour to the left.
We’ll call them Kevin and Karen. (Very original). They were about 50 years of age, have 2 kids away in university and 1 kid who flunked his ABC’s living with them in his late 20’s.
Kevin is active duty as an Air Force officer. I believe he’s a tech of some sort. Aren’t all Air Force dudes a tech of some kind? And Karen is a “professional influencer” who deals in MLM, fitness and travel stuff.
The fact that they have problems with us as their neighbours was evident from the beginning. Here’s the indicators of no particular order:
-our realtor and HOA organized a welcome party for us at the country club with welcome gifts and cards. The card is massive with welcome messages from everyone. Kevin and Karen just signed theirs with: “Welcome! Kevin and Karen”. They were also notably absent, with everyone else who was absent having a valid excuse.
-within our first month of living in our new home, we were immediately bombarded with complaints from the HOA. Since our immediate neighbours were: Kevin and Karen to the south, an empty lot to the north, a small wooded area behind our houses, and people across the street we quickly became friends with, its obvious to see where the complaints were coming from. We were told were exposing the kids in the neighbourhood to indecency and even nudity. (This is about me and the partner going for runs in the weekend. Our standard running attire is pretty normal, sports bra covered by a tank top, and shorts or yoga pants. We took this one pretty hard since even facing accusations of child molestation/exposure is a serious career ender). We were told we were clogging up the streets with illegally parked cars. (Its about that one time i quickly drove home to grab the lunch i forgot, and i was in a rush to park properly, in front of my own property). We were told we were neglecting our part in maintaining our home, driving down property values in our neighbourhood. (This one i have no idea). We were told that we were stinking up the neighbourhood with bad smells. (That one time i went outside to use the grill and cook a smoked fish i picked up from an Asian store.) We were told we play our music too loud and its bothering people. (Okay, ill give this a shot that we may be at fault for this one because of a couple of times where we hosted a weekend party). Its all a lot of small stuff too much to mention, but its obvious that someone has a problem with us.
-They also filed a separate report for “indecent exposure” with the cops. Source of the complaint? Milena and I were having some fun, healthy grown up times that probably went a bit too loud at some point, and i ran into the kitchen to grab a glass of water while still in my birthday suit. That brief 10 second period where i happened to be in view through the open kitchen windows, AT 1 IN THE MORNING, is apparently enough to line us up right there with sex offenders.
I did a bit more analysis over this after the cops left. If were considering that our walls are paper thin, which it isnt. I’ve had times where Milena is playing Warzone at full volume in the den and you couldn’t hear anything from two rooms over, let alone from outside the house. But lets say that maybe we were actually that loud. My kitchen window at the time only had one window that was open and uncovered. This is a window that faces K&K’s house. Between their fencing and fruit trees, the only way you could see into my kitchen from that window is if you’re viewing it from a second story vantage point. The second story of their house has NO windows facing any of my kitchen windows. ZERO. So that means that one, or both of them, by some miraculous reason, heard and got awakened by the fun times going on, stepped out of their house and somehow peeked into our house either through or over their fence.
I GAVE THEM A SHOW AND INSTEAD OF TIPPING ME, THEY CALLED THE COPS AND GAVE ME THE WHOLE SHAFT!
Motherfuckers.
And finally, the dog. I have a 7 year old Husky-Lab mix. He has been fully trained by an actual professional school to be a therapy dog. He is trained not to bark under any circumstances except for the emergencies he is trained to respond to (fire, me or my partner being rendered unconscious). So its a surprise when the complaints against us started to include my dog and his “excessive barking”. And then it escalated to his “unattended droppings”. And then how he looks like a “threatening breed”. Keep in mind that this dog and his breed has been cleared by our HOA. And even if they didnt, they can go kick rocks since he’s a registered therapy dog used for a legit medical reason.
We willingly offerred the HOA to submit to them all copies of our outside camera’s feeds for a month to see if there’s a pattern of un neighbourly conduct we might be doing and not aware of. The HOA is pretty happy with our proposed solution and took us up on our offer. We didnt change anything with our lifestyle and after a month, they were happy with what they saw and concluded the complaints against us are baseless. This is also when the person from HOA let slip that ALL the complaints came from ONE residence where their owners are known for being “squeaky wheels, that need a lot of greasing to keep happy”.
Well, someone has a grudge against us and we dont know what we did wrong against them. It eventually escalated with the culprits outing themselves.
CONFLICT 1
This all came to a head sometime in April 2019 when I was mowing our backyard and doing some spring house maintenance. I looked across the fence and noticed that ALL of K&K’s backyard camera’s were pointed at OUR yard. I thought it was odd so i asked Kevin about that when he stepped outside to have a cigarette. I was immediately met with shouting and curses.
“Its my cameras! Ill point it wherever i want! And right now, i want evidence that you’re intentionally luring wildlife destroying my yard! And put some fucking clothes on!”
I was puzzled about that and asked him what he meant. He kept shouting and through his raving, i came to the conclusion that he had a problem with my birdfeeder. Now, i cleared this bird feeder with the HOA. They approved this. This feeder was built in a way, that ONLY birds can access it. Squirrels maybe, but we dont have any of those in our area. There’s not a lot of wildlife populating that small wooded area behind us. So there’s no way that something big enough will be attracted and have access to my bird feeder and destroy anyone’s property. Its not like we live in a place where wildlife - human interaction is a problem. Besides, what property was he talking about being destroyed by this non existent wild animals? He has a rock garden and a couple of fruit trees in his completely fenced up yard.
He ended his rant with the threat that if he sees any one single animal in his yard that was there because of my feeder, he’ll come over to my house, destroy my feeder, and destroy anything else he wants just to see how i like it. Or if he sees my dog anywhere near his property, he will call Animal Control to take him away, and if my dog continues to be a “threat” to him, he’ll shoot him regardless of whether AC is on the way or not.
After over a month of this irritation + this confrontation with him, i decided that i wont be a prisoner in my own home anymore because of the whims of one man. I sent my own complaints to the HOA telling them about this interaction that ended with a threat to my safety and my property, and the improper behaviour of my neighbour. I was told that if it qualifies as an HOA issue, they cant mediate in “he said-she said” scenarios without proper evidence or witnesses. But, since it sounds more like a safety and well being issue, it sounds more like something the police should be involved in. But they wouldn’t be able to do anything except file a first complaint unless something physically happens/happened to us.
Well, isnt that just amazing? For the following months, my hands were tied and there’s nothing i can do but file a complaint or file a response to a complaint filed against me at the HOA. Even the HOA people, who thrive on drama like this, were getting tired of it. I got to make friends with a lot of my neighbours during these months, attending community events, and got the picture that K&K were bullies. Theyve always managed to strong arm people, and they seem to pick on people who are just “different”. Either people of colour, different beliefs, someone they think is inferior to Kevin’s status as an AF officer, or, i dont know, maybe someone they just dont like.
One of those guys i had the chance to chat with told me (paraphrasing): “Look. I dont know why is it that K&K like to pick on people who are obviously different when they’re obviously different themselves. Maybe, they like being big fish in a small pond? But, look at it this way, if i like to target “different” people because of the way they are, then you and Milena (my partner’s middle name) are obviously going to be the crown jewels in my collection. You both are uniform wearing, card carrying open and unashamed lesbians, and in your case, a person of quite a petite stature who is also of mixed ethnicity. If i attended a KKK sponsored bingo night in Alabama, your guys’ description would give me a blackout win. You’re with (my unit) right? You’re giving them a bad reputation by eating this guys’ incoming more than you have to. I think its time for you return fire and destroy this POG.”
PAYBACK 1
I was still at a loss as to how to process this message and then something clicked. Its already approaching Christmas and the active/retired gunfighters in my neigbourhood likes to host a “King of the Cage” charity fight. This is a big deal for our neighbourhood and our base, with caterers being hired by the HOA and medics volunteering for this fight being excempted from all duties by their chain.
This is how it goes: MMA fight rules and equipment + King of the Hill rules. No weight classes, MMA rules + referees, and you have to sign a waiver. King of the Hill rules is you have to win 2 out of 3 fights to advance to the next heat, until the semi finals when 1 loss will get you out of the running regardless. You go from one fight to the next and the only time you get to rest is if you get to the semi finals.
This is organized by my neighbourhood’s HOA, but has gotten so popular over the years and spilled into the base personnel because of the sheer amount of officers and active duty personnel living here. Everyone pays a fee to get their name in the fight, the pot is matched pound for pound by the HOA fund and (unofficial) senior NCO and officer’s fund, 25% of the proceeds goes to the winner, and the remaining goes to whichever charity is being hosted at the time. Everyone who is active duty both in the neighbourhood and people working at the base is “encouraged” to sign up. Heavy emphasis on the “encouragement” for both occifers and senior personnel. You better have a good reason for declining to fight since this is the one time where troops have a good chance of punching you in the face with no repercussions. And punching someone more senior than you in the face is always good for morale, and gives troops the impression that their leaders are still grounded and human like they are. Partner and I sign up once they announced they are now taking names.
Both my partner and i have good backgrounds when it comes to fighting and martial arts (in the ring and real life). Milena regularly does boxing drills as part of physical training, and has been fighting in karate and tae-kwon-do tournaments since grade school. Im the more proficient one when it comes fighting. Some people metaphorically give their kid at birth soccer balls, or a basketball, or whatever it is that they want to impart to their kids as a lifelong skill. Im only exaggerating when i swear that my dad gave me emei daggers when i was born. I have a strong background and training in muay thai, krav maga, bjj, kali/eskrima, and wushu (specialized in sword and dagger routines). Ive been competing in wushu and kali tournaments since i was 10, bjj/grappling since high school, and continues to compete in kali and bjj up to now. Ive also used krav maga and kali drills in work related fights and routinely use it when were doing MMA sports days at work. So, despite my deceptively petite stature, i can handle a LOT. Pun intended. Get over it. 😘
Anyway, with a little bit of finagling, i was able to convince several key fighters to let Kevin win their bouts. Kevin is pretty good from what i can tell, although hes more of a stand up fighter instead of a submission/ground and pound fighter. He just basically overwhelms people with his size and weight. Whenever he is down on the ground, he can easily strong arm people into submission. He’s about 6’5 against my 5’5 if im thinking tall thoughts. He weighs around maybe 250 lbs, against my 160 lbs soaking wet. Im pretty much physically half the person that he is. Lol. I can already tell that no amount of skill, training or wishful thinking in the world will let me win over someone who can easily overwhelm me with their innate weight and size. I face him for the first time in the last couple of matches before the semi finals, with several wins already under both of our names. The semi finals bracket is composed of 4 fighters and 1 random semi finalist whos been eliminated but won the selection fights, with the top 2 advancing to the finals cage.
So i huddled with Milena and came up with a plan that heavily revolves around exploiting the selection fight. This “selection” fight will still be MMA rules and refereee and have the additional risk of bare knuckles and fighters’ choice of sparring weapons. (Padded kali sticks, blunt knives and swords, padded shinai (kendo) swords, shock knives, and pugil sticks.) This risk is offset by “protective padding”, but anyone whos ever sparred at anything can attest to how they only minimize the hurt. It still hurts. People who have been knocked out earlier in the process can “buy” into the selection fight twice and get another shot at being the fight night champion. People who have been knocked out from the semis can only buy in once. The buy in is twice the registration fee. The selection fight mat is “live” for as long as there fighters fighting on it, and as long as there’s still fighters qualified and willing to buy in. The selection fight will be closed for business once the final matches start. I think theres some other rules and conditions im forgetting to mention.
The shock knives were a popular choice and had to have batteries swapped out a few times. People were just having the time of their lives shock knifing colleagues and even bosses. My favorite is when a mat had to be taken out of commission for cleaning and disinfecting. Some grunt shock knifed his buddy, and then drove a knee onto his gut. Buddy reacted the way most human bodies do when under stress: he vacated his bowels. Yup. He pooped himself. Poor guy. Bet you he’s gonna have fun with his new call sign.
The time came when i had to fight Kevin. I have yet to lose a fight while Kevin is 1 and 1. One more loss and he’s out. As soon as the ref said: “Fight!” I immediately knelt and tapped on the mat. I just threw away my first fight against Kevin. I went against another fighter and won that one, and then tapped myself out again when i had to face Kevin one more. He didnt say anything to me but the looks he was throwing me while almost sneering were enough to tell me that if there arent any witnesses, he would have been jumping down my throat with insults.
I went to the selection fight mat and bought myself back in. There was some other people in line and i quickly won against the ones i was matched with. If anyone is still reading to this point and counting, i now stand as King/Queen of the Hill, with the chance to be the dark horse fighter in the finals unless someone goes against me, and with one more buy in left if i get knocked out in the semi finals fight.
And wouldnt you know it, Kevin got a thrashing in that one last fight before the semis. He bought himself back in and is now facing me on the mat. His weapon of choice was the pugil stick. I swapped out the shock knife ive been using to a pair of kali sticks. We were both padded up with our heads, upper body, and shins covered with padding + a groin protector.
Ladies and germs, if youre still reading, let me tell you that this was the fight of my life. Ive done my share of both real life and training session fighting, but this one was the one fight that i will never forget. Its because i was facing someone that has been tormenting me, because of who i am as a person, non stop for months.
He quickly charged at me as soon as the ref blew the whistle. But since he is padded up, hes just a bit slower and clumsier. Exactly how i need him to be. I deflected his pugil stick with my kali sticks. I was able to disarm him with a quick parry —> wrist strike —> disarming twist. Before the ref can blow his whistle, i smacked him on the head with a stick, dropped my sticks, and did a single leg takedown. I made sure to land on him with my entire body weight and my elbow planted on his belly. We are now both unarmed and has transitioned to grappling. Still stunned from the blow to the head, he was simply offering weak resistance. Before he could recover, i secured my full mount on him, snuck in a few hammer fists to the unprotected part of his face, and locked in a textbook American lock. I was cranking that bitch hard until the ref stopped the fight with me staying on as K/QOTH.
I moved on to the semi finals while he bought himself back in. Before you know it, we were up against each other again in the semis and i outed myself again by tapping on the mat. I quickly regained K/QOTH status and am facing him again after he got ground and pounded to submission. This time, he picked the shock knife and i stuck to my kali sticks.
He is a lot more wary this time after i caught him unawares in our first time fight. We spent a couple minutes jabbing and striking to test each other’s defenses. Finally, i caught an opening. He tried to stab at me with the shock knife. I dropped my left stick while sidestepping him, caught his knife hand with my left hand, digging my fingers into his tendons, and while still holding my remaining stick, i hit him with a straight jab to the face, and ended the action by jabbing downwards at the wrist i was holding with the butt of my stick. This caused his wrist to go limp and drop the knife. I have now disarmed him, again. I dropped the remaining stick and while still clutching his now limp right hand against my chest, hammer fisted his right shoulder at the joint, hit him a back fist on his neck, (i believe i hit, or came close to hitting his carotid artery), and followed up with an enpty handed palm strike to his nose. Ever felt ligaments crunching? Feels gross. Sounds even grosser. I broke his nose and knocked him out cold. He’s down and done. TKO is announced and i move on to the finals.
He’s now been medically DQ’ed by the refs and medics attending. Since there’s no more fighters qualified or willing to buy in, i automatically advanced to the last couple semi finals fights. The rest of the night was a blur. I was gassed out by the time i qualified for the finals and got easily submitted with a kimura. To be fair, im not even mad i got so far into a US$25,000 competition only to get knocked out at 3rd place. Im not even mad about the black eyes or sore back or all the bruises.
Because of the payback.
This is sweet, sweet fuckery revenge for me. This son of a motherless whore has been tormenting me and my partner for months, casting a dark cloud in a what should have been a sweet moment for me and my partner both coming off of extended deployments and finally getting some down time together and finally getting to enjoy being homeowners. He has also been bad mouthing(?) us with our neighbours as we later learned. And for payback, i got to make him my bitch, twice.
Part 2 coming up. The title would be: “You f***ing people!” and involves Karen a lot more.
submitted by borednightnurse1990 to FuckeryUniveristy [link] [comments]

Your 2020 Season Survival Guide and R/Baseball Refresher!

Before we dive in, if you want to participate in the annual Call Your Shot season predictions contest, you can find it here.
It's FINALLY coming! Welcome to the 2020 MLB Season! We are so glad you are here. Don't let the length of this post scare you, we just wanted to consolidate all the relevant information that people have questions about into one place to start the season off. This is your survival guide for the 2020 season, it should have all the pertinent information to answer most of your questions!
If you are a brand new fan I'd recommend going through most of it, if you're a veteran you'll know which sections you'll want to read by their headings. My goal here is that both new and returning fans can learn how to better enjoy the season and know what's going on on Baseball this year. Okay, take some time and read through what you want to read through below!
This is the fourth year of doing this. Every year I go through the previous years comments to find things that should be added or corrected for the next edition, so if you have any great resources or information that you think would be beneficial to add, please comment it below!
Sections:

Introduction for new and renewed interest fans.

Baseball normally has a long season. I don't just mean that in terms of time between opening day and the World Series (which can be considered long as it is), but also the 162 games played in 183 days, 18-20 times against the same 4 teams each. It can be daunting, and many people lose interest by "the dog days" of June and July. This year things are going to be a little different. With only 60 games on the schedule (assuming we make it through without a major clubhouse covid outbreak that cancels games versus that team) every game is going to matter about 3x as much as one in a normal regular season. Tensions will be high, but we might not feel it because there won't be that much crowd noise. THAT SAID - they're still playing 60 games in 66 days, which means almost every day for the next two months isn't just packed with baseball, they're packed with YOUR FAVORITE TEAMS baseball, which while exciting after months without any American sports in the regular season (MLS - a tournament is not the regular season) can end up feeling overwhelming when you just finished watching a late game go into extras then wake up to realize there's an afternoon game on in six hours.
This guide is meant to help you if you wish to avoid being one of those who feels overwhelmed and loses interest a couple weeks after Opening Day.
First and foremost if you are a new fan or newly returning, you must remember one thing: you do not need to watch every game. Many football fans, and even some basketball and hockey fans, find this difficult, they're used to setting aside a few nights a week to watch their team, and they can watch all the games. Baseball isn't like that. For the next two months, your team will only have 6 days where they won't be playing a game. And some of the games they play will start as early as 9:20am (Pacific Time), others will end after 1am (Eastern Time). If you miss a game it's okay, odds are there's another one tomorrow. If you miss a week, no big deal, hell if you get busy for a few months and aren't able to watch you team, that's not an issue, because you can still follow your team.
Baseball is a game to be followed. In the old days it meant picking up the morning paper and checking the box scores. Now it means being able to have a final score texted/tweeted/messaged/emailed/what-evered to you the minute the game ends, or rolling over in bed when you can't sleep and grabbing your phone to check the West Coast scores. It means being able to check reddit in the morning to see any breaking news from across the league, or catch a story you missed. We live in a time where you can go to MLB.com and get a recap of every game from last night in less than 10 minutes. Honestly, baseball was made to be consumed, and the technology age makes it easier than ever, whether you want to spend hours every day pouring over stats and analysis, or 15 seconds to see how your team and their playoff rivals did today.
The rest of this guide is mostly dedicated to ways that you can help yourself follow your team, and if you have time follow the entirety of MLB.
Anyways, enough rambling, TL;DR Don't worry if you miss games, there'll be one tomorrow.

Rule Changes for 2020

For this season only (or so they say...):
  • The NL will utilize the DH full time.
  • In extra innings the person in the batting order immediately before the lead off hitter will start on second base.
  • Games suspended due to rain will continue play at a later date rather than be washed out and restarted.
  • Arguing within six feet of an umpire or participating in a fight will be met with heftier fines and suspensions this yaer.
  • Pitchers will be allowed a wet rag to be brought out from the dugout in lieu of being able to lick their fingers for better grip.
  • Each team has a 20 extra players in their "taxi squad" in addition to their active roster and 40-man roster.
  • Active rosters will start at 30 players, then will be cut to 28 after two weeks, then 26 after four weeks.
  • Spitting is not allowed.
  • Non-social distanced celebrations are not allowed.
Permanent (as any rule change can be in baseball) rule changes for 2020 and beyond:
  • Three batter minimum - pitcher entering the game must face a minimum of three batters unless they complete an inning.
  • The MLB Active Roster is expanded from 25 players to 26 players.

Finding a Team

I always recommend following the local team since you'll have more access to news about them in the local media and should be able to get their radio broadcast, as well as TV broadcasts of them if you have cable/satellite/streaming, and depending on where you're at the occasional over the air game, but if you don't live by a team or don't want to follow the local team, or are just looking for a second team to follow, I wrote this in depth guide to picking a team that's the right fit for you.

Knowing Where Different Teams Stand

Every year ESPN, Sports Illustrated, FOX, NBS, and every other sports related site puts out their season previews. These are great for getting a basic rundown of what is going on with each team, and a simple google search will bring up a plethora of possible articles to read.
If what you really want is a fans perspective on what each team's expectations condensed into a few short comments, I'd highly recommend going through each teams day from our annual "Why will X team exceed expectations?" series. All the previous posts are linked in the Astros thread.

Baseball

Alright, so plugging baseball on baseball seems a bit redundant, but I think it's a good reminder that this is a great hub for all your MLB news throughout the season while still letting you see the occasional amazing college/minor league/foreign league performance.
During the season there are a number of features to keep you informed of all the goings on around baseball.
Every day of the season (and a portion of the offseason) we have General Discussion threads we call Around the Horn. These are great places to ask questions and discuss anything that you want to know about baseball but don't feel like it deserves it's own post. In the Around the Horn post you'll be able to see a full schedule of what is going on around Baseball every week.
Here are the weekly features:
Daily: Nightly Pick'Em - A six year running contest to pick the result of one game every day. Details can be found in this thread.
Monday: Power Rankings - A team of 30 fans from every team in baseball, led by masochist fearless leader kasutori_jack, releases their composite power rankings of the 30 teams. This leads to well thought out discussions and some in depth analysis, as well as salty fans crying about how their team is underrated (there may be more of the latter than the former, but it's still a great way to keep your finger on the pulse of how every team is doing).
Monday (Unofficial) - The last few years thekmanpwnudwn has posted a State of the Subreddits post that gives the top post from each team's subreddit from the last week. This is a great roundup post for staying up to date on what all the different team fandoms are feeling, and helps you catch any milestones you might have otherwise missed.
Tuesday: Weekly Awards - Led by lemcoe9 a different team of a fan from every team releases the results of their weekly (and monthly) voting for who the best position player and pitcher was since the last vote was taken. Once again, a great way to keep track of which players are on hot streaks, and who's dominating the league.
Wednesday: Wild Card Wednesday - Each week a new contest, trivia game, or just out of the box fun thread will be stickied! Got an idea? Let the mods know!
Thursdays: Division Discussions - We rotate between the Easts, Centrals, and Wests to do some more in depth talk about where the playoff races and teams stand. If you only have time for one baseball thread every week and want to keep up with the league, this is the thread to set aside time for.
Friday: Trash Talk/Compliment/Complaint - FRIDAYS ARE FUN DAYS, WE ROTATE BETWEEN TRASH TALK, COMPLIMENT, TRASH TALK, AND COMPLAIN THREADS! TRADITION STATES ALL COMMENTS BE IN ALL CAPS AND ENDING IN EXCLAMATION POINTS! WE ROTATE RATHER THAN HAVE A SET DAY FOR EACH ALL SEASON BECAUSE IT'S A LONG SEASON AND ANY ONE OF THE THREE THREADS CAN GET STALE FAST IF YOU DON'T LEAVE TIME FOR MORE AMMUNITION!
Saturday: Saturday is when we usually plug in occasional things that don't necessarily deserve weekly attention. Things like in depth stat discussions, memorobilia sharing, craft projects, etc.
Sunday: Game of the Week - Sunday is the one day a week where we get together as a subreddit to watch a baseball game together, since it's the one time every week where there's only one game going on and there's guaranteed to be a game. The Sunday Night Baseball game thread is usually posted a couple hours before the first pitch.
In addition the playoffs, and select premier match-ups (mostly at the very end of the season where there is a lot riding on a regular season game) we host game threads for all baseball users. These are neutral thread, for more info on less neutral ones skip to the next section. We may experiment with game threads in baseball for the MLB.tv Free Game of the Day this year.
In addition to all these features, it really is a great place to keep up with breaking news and highlights. It'll be posted here minutes after someone tweets it, and long before it's on MLB.com. Team beat writers get the stories first, and it's easier to check in here a couple times a day than follow every one of them. Plus there's something the kids are calling "dank memes" (but not too many, because us mods don't allow too much moisture to get into the servers).

Your Team's Subreddit (And other team subs as well)

The mods at baseball have one goal - help you have the best possible reddit baseball experience, and a LOT of that is helping you get connected to other fans of your team (which feels a little like a cop-out because it means less work for us if you're doing more on your team's sub, but your team's mods aren't complaining.)
One of the main draws of team subs (other than in depth discussion with like-fan-minded users, getting breaking news and analysis on your team, team-memes, and other reddit discussions that come up from a group of individuals who can agree on one thing) are game threads. At this time (to the best of my knowledge) every team sub hosts game threads for their team's games, and you can easily access them in the sidebar during the season by clicking on the team's logo in the schedule (we're working on getting that up to speed, MLB changed some parts of their RSS and background data and we've had to work around that to get our automated system back up). We like to keep the game threads in team subs for a few reasons, one of which is we want to support the team subs and send them relevant traffic when we can because they really do an amazing job, another is because with 15 games a day this place would look like crap if we had game threads for every game or let users post them as they please (we've tried it, it blots out news, discussion, and highlights and looks like crap, baseball doesn't have only a couple days set aside for games or focus on marquee match ups like many other sports, it's 2430 games played in 183 days and is better when it's spread out.)
Even if you're not a game thread person though, getting connected with a good team sub can make disappointing seasons more bearable, and great seasons more exciting, and I know plenty of users that said that their team's sub basically keeps them fans. Team subs are also a great place to get connected to...

Twitter, Podcasts, and other General News/Analysis Sources

Going to be honest here, I don't use twitter and I do not frequently read other people's blogs. I know many people do and enjoy it, and I believe the best way to find the people to follow/sites to visit that interest you the most are to hang around your team's sub and note which Tweets/Sites that are linked to that most often peak your interest. Your list of favorite baseball writers is going to be different than my favorite list, and finding the right twitter personalities, podcasts hosts, and bloggers can make game analysis more interesting for you even if your team is playing like crap and it's the middle of July.
Here are some common suggestions for some general baseball twitter accounts and podcasts to get you started, but like I said, find what you like and follow those:
Twitter
Account Account Account
@MLB @Ken_Rosenthal @Buster_ESPN
@jonmorosi @mlbtraderumors @MiLB
@JeffPassan @MLBInjuryNews @BNightengale
@keithlaw @based_ball @SamMillerBB
@jonahkeri @BaseballAmerica @brooksbaseball
@BenLindbergh @ChrisCotillo @mike_petriello
@MJ_Baumann @FanRagSports @TheAthleticMLB
@fangraphs @baseballprospectus @baseball_ref
@daynperry @CBSSportsMLB @CespedesBBQ
@GrantBrisbee @JonHeyman @cantpitch
@MLBRosterMoves @darenw @extrabaggs
Podcasts
Account Account Account
Effectively Wild Baseball Tonight The Ringer

The Statistical Titans: Baseball Reference and Fangraphs

Literally every day you will find a link or to BaseballReference.com or Fangraphs.com here, it's a given, and it's because these are the two most extensive free baseball databases that are easy to navigate. If you want to look up anything about baseball history, check Baseball Reference, if you want to look up how players stack up with non-proprietary advanced metrics or read an insightful blog post about why someone is overrated/underrated or overperforming/underperforming, check Fangraphs. With these two sites you have all the stats and figures you need to make a competent argument for basically anything you want with a little cherry picking.
A large part of the modern baseball world is statistics and you're going to find yourself getting more immersed in discussing the game if you can get a handle on all the terms getting thrown around. If you are brand new to baseball, take a little while to get to know the game before diving into these sites, but if you have a handle on the basics and are ready to know what this WAR everyone is talking about is, dive into the glossaries and find the statistics.
When you get the basics, creating your own analysis doesn't seem as daunting, and one of the reasons I love baseball is that I can deconstruct pretty much every play and find some meaning behind it. If you are like that and enjoy numbers, theoretical projections, and breaking things down into simple figures before reconstructing them into something long and beautiful, then learning the basics of sabrmetrics will make you a baseball fan for life. If, on the other hand, you just want to enjoy the game for the beautiful pastime that it is by watching, then we've got a little bit to go through...

Where to Watch? - Your TV and Streaming Guide

So a big part of baseball is, you know, actually being able to watch the games (though as I talk about at the end, it might not necessarily be the case for you, and that doesn't mean you can't enjoy baseball, skip down and see what I'm talking about in the final section).
First off, if you are looking for free games to watch, you are in luck! MLB.tv streams one game a day for free on MLB.com and Yahoo.com. These games are subject to local blackouts (details on those in the MLB.tv section) but are definitely worth watching if you're trying to see if you'll enjoy baseball, or just need a free baseball fix. Facebook is also streaming one game a week during the season for free. The other free games available are from May 18 to July 13 on Saturday night and Thursday nights in September when FOX airs games on their OTA affiliated networks. Believe it or not, TV antennas still work in most areas, and these games are free to watch. Some teams also broadcast select games on OTA networks in their region.
Okay, so now the more expensive stuff. If you have even the most basic cable package (or log in information) you probably have ESPN. ESPN airs games every Sunday Night as well as Wednesday Night and Opening Weekend. These games are also available on ESPN Go.
You also probably have a regional sports channel. This is where almost all of your local teams games will be aired. Here is a decent breakdown of every team and what network they are carried on.
TBS is also on even the most basic networks, they air games the final 13 Sundays of the regular season in the afternoon.
FS1 and FOX carry baseball games almost every Saturday of the season, and MLB Network carries games pretty much every day.
A list of currently scheduled national broadcasts is available here, not all games have been chosen so there will be more added to the list.
For all these networks (except for the Dodgers, Orioles, and Nationals regional networks) there are options to stream the games online provided you have cable login information for the channel. During the playoffs FS1, TBS, and MLB Network will carry most of the games, with ESPN carrying a wild card game and FOX carrying the World Series.
Now there are also streaming services that grant access to most of the previously mentioned channels:
  • Sling TV Orange package gets you ESPN, ESPN 2, and TBS.
  • Sling TV Blue package gets you FOX, FS1, FS2, TBS, and most regional sports networks.
  • Youtube TV gets you FOX, ESPN, ESPN 2, FS1, TBS, MLB Network, and some regional sports networks.
  • HULU Live gets you FOX, ESPN, ESPN 2, FS1, FS2, TBS, and your regional sports networks.
  • Playstation Vue Access gets you FOX, ESPN, ESPN 2, FS1, FS2, and TBS.
  • Playstation Vue Core adds MLB Network to the Access channels.
  • Playstation Vue Sports Extra adds regional sports networks in addition to your other channels.
  • AT&T TV Now Live a Little gets you FOX, ESPN, ESPN 2, FS1, and TBS and your regional sports networks.
  • AT&T TV Now Just Right adds MLB Network to the Live a Little channels.
  • AT&T TV Now Go Big adds FS2 to the Just Right channels.
  • FUBO Premier gets you FOX, FS1, and your regional sports networks
Also, ESPN+ will carry select games pretty much daily throughout the season.

MLB.TV - the Ultimate Fan Investment

Alright, so a few things to cover with this, first of all YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO LEGALLY STREAM IN MARKET GAMES IF YOU LIVE IN THE UNITED STATES. MLB.tv uses your IP address to see where you are located, and if it pings back that you are in a team's home market it will not let you watch the game LIVE. Here is where you can find what games MLB.tv will black you out from. National broadcasts on ESPN, FOX, and TBS are also subject to blackouts within the United States (MLB Network games are not). Before you ask, yes there are less than legal ways to get around this (spoofing your IP address, subreddit dedicated to mlb streams, etc.), but I won't be talking about those in detail here. IF YOU ARE OUTSIDE OF THE UNITED STATES AND CANADA, YOU WILL HAVE NO BLACKOUTS.
Even if you are blacked out, you will be able to watch the game 90 minutes after it finishes, so if you work a late shift or stay up late it might be worth it for you anyways even if you only want to follow one team.
Military members and college students, don't forget to apply your 35% discount!
"But I don't want to watch EVERY out of market game, I just want to watch MY team!" Cool, for $25 less there's a single team option that will allow you to watch all your team's non-blacked out games! Personally, I'd pay the extra $25 for the opportunity to watch every Kershaw, Bumgarner, and Scherzer start, or put the Cubs on in the background while working on a Friday afternoon, but to each their own.
"But I don't want to commit for a full year!" That's okay, there's a monthly option as well in case you know there are months where you can't watch as much.
Some of the fun features of MLB.tv include the ability to watch four games at once and quickly swap your audio from one to another (seriously, I'm never on commercial break when I'm watching baseball, unless there's only one game on I'm able to watch it all, and in September that's huge) and condensed games. What are condensed games? They go through and cut out all the time between pitches and innings, meaning if you want to watch a whole game in less than a half hour (or are searching desperately for a play to make a .gif or streamable out of that for some reason isn't considered a highlight) it's really easy. If you're someone who really wants to get into the game but can't figure out how to grind through watching a full game, Condensed Games are great for keeping up with a team while you learn the little details between pitches that somehow make watching the catcher twiddle his fingers exciting for some fans.
Also, new this year, MLB has added some great baseball documentaries to your MLB.tv subscription, giving you access to more than just games for the first time.
In addition, there are two great resources to enhance your total immersion into baseball if there are multiple games going on. Please note for both of these you must already be logged into MLB.tv to make them work. The first, and most basic, is Brooks Baseball's MLB.TV Redzone. It will automatically take you to the highest leverage game going on, and will automatically shift you to another game between innings OR if another game enters a higher leverage situation. For a more personalized touch, The Baseball Guage has MLB.TV Game Changer which lets you customize your preferences so MLB.tv will always switch to the game that is most relevant to you. This is great if you play fantasy and want to keep up with your players, are waiting for someone to hit a milestone, or if you want to make sure your action is broken into to follow a no-hitter in progress.
It also gives you a free subscription to...

MLB AtBat - The Most Underrated Way to Stay Connected to Baseball

MLB AtBat is MLB's official application. It comes in two versions, the free version which has ads but is useful for keeping up to date with all the scores, and the paid version ($19.99 for the year of $2.99 monthly) which gives you access to ad-free content, Gameday on your mobile device, and (most valuable) access to every team's radio stream for every game during the season and postseason completely blackout free. If there's a day game, you can bet I'm listening to it at work, if I'm mowing the lawn on a Saturday I'm listening to a game, when I can't sleep at night, on comes a West Coast game. To get the paid version you must download the free version, then subscribe within the app, or log into an MLB account that has MLB.tv.
Baseball was made to be on the radio, it's a sport that is very easy to follow the action with the right announcer. At work (or school) it's great because you can half listen, and when the announcer gets excited you can instantly tune back in to hear what's going on. This is the most underrated way to stay connected to your team throughout the year. Before I could afford MLB.tv, this was the way to go, and it honestly makes me question every year whether getting the MLB.tv package is worth is when I can get 80% of the entertainment value from listening to the games (and every year I manage to forget to unsubscribe, for many reasons listed above).
Gameday on mobile is also a great feature, it lets you quickly check in on the action during brief recesses in meetings (or under the table during meetings), or breaks between classes (or under a desk in classes). This is honestly my primary means of keeping track of Twins games throughout the year. My wife thinks I'm crazy when I could just watch the game, but instead am nervously checking my phone every couple minutes. IF I WATCH I JINX THE TEAM, HONEY!

How to watch baseball?

So this is a question that we get from many new fans who are just trying to figure out what the hell is going on and why people find this game so fascinating. I'll get the elephant in the room out of the way, yes there are some "boring" parts of watching baseball on TV. The camera fans to a batter spitting and adjusting his gloves, the pitcher adjusts his crotch then licks his fingers, random shots of a bored looking manager, etc. When you are actually at the ballpark you can be watching where the catcher and fielders set up to try to predict the pitch that is coming (read The Hidden Language of Baseball by Paul Dickson for some great insight into how to interpret this), but on TV it's not usually the case. This is where I have some suggestions for new fans trying to get into it.
First off, if you are looking for just a relaxing day, embrace the slow pace with a beer and veg out on the couch while watching. It's meant to be slow and relaxing (until it gets tense and exciting, usually with runners on). Seriously, when was the last time you just sat and did nothing? Mid July afternoon games are a perfect way to reach that zen of half-consciousness, until something happens to get you sucked into the action.
Another option to stay engaged is keeping score. I find keeping score relaxing and looking back through a scorebook can be fun to see what you were doing a few years ago (except for that damn unfinished scorecard from 2015 where A-Rod hit the most predictable home run in Twins-Yankees history and I sent my scorecard flying to the other side of the room). As NPR once put it, keeping score is a knowledge making activity, and if you have the time and patience for it it is a great way to learn the game. There are a couple different guides to keeping score, and most scorebooks/cards will have a brief example of how to do so. If you have any questions, the Around the Horn thread is a great place to ask!
Gamethreads are another way to get together with other baseball fans and pass the time between pitches, especially in team subs you get to know the regulars and conversations start to wonder away from baseball at times throughout the game, and that's fine. Baseball is an excuse to enjoy a summer day.
For those that want to actually understand what is going on during that time, though, there are some options. Watching Baseball Smarter by Zack Hample (who despite his reputation on this subreddit knows some stuff and actually pops in from time to time to comment on different things) is a good starting place for new fans. Baseball for Dummies and The Complete Idiots Guide to Baseball are also good starting points for those willing to sit and read for a little bit.
For those who don't want to read a book, I guess I can touch on what I'm looking for between pitches. A big part of baseball is pitch selection, so scouting out a pitchers repertoire of pitches is a good starting point, BrooksBaseball.net has great cheat sheets on every pitcher in the game, and PitcherList.com has a visual example of each pitcher's pitches so you can see what you can be looking for. Anyways, I mention that because the whole reason the catcher is twiddling his fingers behind the plate is to go over with the pitcher what pitch is going to be thrown. What I'm watching for between pitches is where the catcher is setting up behind the plate and guessing which pitch is going to be thrown. A 2-0 and 3-1 count are known as hitters counts because the pitcher needs to throw a strike or risk walking the batter, when the count reaches either of those pay attention, because the hitters going to be looking for his perfect pitch and there's probably going to be some action on the field. 0-1, 0-2, and 1-2 are pitcher's counts, look for curveball, slider or other somewhat nasty pitch to be thrown to get the batter to swing at a bad pitch, or a fastball inside to catch them off guard. If you have any questions about this, go ahead and ask in an around the horn thread.

Where to watch highlights and game recaps.

There are many many places to see highlights and game recaps, this is not an exhaustive list, but is a good start.
For highlights, bigger highlights will often be posed here on baseball a few minutes after they occur, if you wish to post them please familiarize yourself with the subreddit rules. They also appear relatively quickly on MLB.com in each games Gameday area. For a pretty slick collection of highlights from across MLB, https://baseball.theate is a great place to exclusively watch highlights.
There are a few ways to get great game recaps. If you have MLB Network, every day Quick Pitch is an hour-long show that recaps every game from the previous day. It usually starts after MLB Tonight (about 10pm EDT) or whatever game MLB Network is showing finishes up, and runs until 10am EDT the next day. MLB.com also puts out recaps of every game by the next morning, usually a 2-5 minutes quick rundown of highlights that can be found on the game recap. It also puts out Fastcast videos on youtube and their website every morning which has a brief rundown of all the games from the previous day. Here's an example of a Fastcast from two seasons ago.
If you want one concise place to see most of these, efitz11 was amazing last season and posted video links to every game recap and fastcast in the daily Around the Horn thread. Here's an example. I am unsure if they plan to continue it this year, but it would be surely appreciated!

TL;DR Finding what you enjoy about the game.

When it boils down to it, baseball is about finding entertainment and enjoyment, and don't let anyone try to tell you how to enjoy baseball. If you want nothing to do with statistical analysis and just want to enjoy what's going on on the field, don't let anyone tell you you aren't enough of a fan, and if you want to dissect a player into their strengths and components using statcast and advanced metrics don't let anyone tell you you're reading into the game too much. You can follow one team, and only one team, or you can follow multiple teams, don't let anyone tell you you're not a true fan for wearing another team's gear or enjoying their games. You might enjoy bat flips and flamboyance, or reserved speedy home run trots. You might not even enjoy physically watching a game (especially not if your team isn't playing), but find yourself loving keeping track of your team through the season and tracking your players or maybe just the thrill of the standings race and scoreboard watching or maybe you just love all the numbers that get thrown around and arguing about their relevancy. That's okay, eventually I believe enjoyment of the game itself will come, but even if it doesn't, the long baseball season is still creating a place of enjoyment for you, and that's what matters. If you have any questions, once again, feel free to ask them in our daily Around the Horn thread, or below in the comments, or if you really want to feel free to PM with questions and I'd be happy to answer.
So watch games this week and join in the discussion here, you'll naturally find yourself gravitating towards certain players or teams and enjoying different aspects of the game. Baseball is a long season, find what you enjoy, stick to it, dwell on it, and enjoy it.
TL;DR for the TL;DR - Baseball is fun
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down dragon drama draw drawing dream dress drink drip driving drizzle drug drugs drum drunk dumb dusk dutch dvd eagle ear early earth east eat economic economy education ee egg eight elder electricity elephant email embarrassed embarrassing emergency emoji emojis employees empty end energy enforcement‍️ enforcement‍️‍️‍️‍️ engagement engineer‍ england english enter️ enter️️ enter️️️ enter️️️️ entrance environment epic er error et euro european evening event evil exam exclamation exercise exit exit” experience experiment explode explosion express extinct eye eyes face factory fail failure fall family fancy farming fart fashion fast father favorite fax fearful feet‍️ feet‍️‍️ feet‍️‍️‍️ feet‍️‍️‍️‍️ feet‍️‍️‍️‍️‍️‍️ female fencing fighting filing film films financial find finger fingers fire fireworks first fish fist five fix flag flame flex flight flipping floor flower flowers flu flushed fly fog food football forbidden formal formula fortnite forward four fr frame france free french 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houses how how12 hr hug hugs huh human hundred hurricane hurt i icon id idea idiot idiots ie ikea ill increase india indian‍️ industrial‍ industrial‍‍ industrial‍‍‍ industry info information injured ink innocent insect instrument insulting intelligent interest interested international internet interstate into️ into️️ into️️️ invest invested iphone ip️ ip️️ iraq is islam islamic island islands isle israel iss issue️ issue️️ issue️️️ italian italy ive i‘ve i’d i’ll i’ve jacket japan japanese jar jaws jazz je jeans jesus️ jesus️️ jesus️️️ jewish job join joint jordan joy jump justice‍️ justice‍️‍️‍️ kanye karate kawaii kek kevin key keyboard kfc kg ki kick kid kids kill killer kills king kingdom kiss kissing kiss— kitchen kitten knew knife know knowing knowledge knows koala kong korea label labor‍️ labor‍️‍️ labor‍️‍️‍️ lady landing language laptop‍ laptop‍‍ laptop‍‍‍ late laugh laughing launch lawn lawrence law‍️ law‍️‍️ law‍️‍️‍️ lb leader learn learn’ leaves leave‍️ leave‍️‍️ 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presentation president press previous️ previous️️ previous️️️ price pride prime princess privacy problem️ problem️️ problem️️️ professor‍ professor‍‍ profile program programmer‍‍ programming progress propose proud pt pt3 pub public pumpkin pumps puppy purchase push pussy queen queer️‍️‍ question quick11 quiet quirky quit quiz rabbit race‍️ race‍️‍️ race‍️‍️‍️ radio rage rain rainbow raised ram ramen ran random rat razor read reading realised realized record recording recovery red reddit registered️ registered️️ relax relaxed️️️ relief relieved religion religion” religious remove repeat republic rest restaurant restricted return️ return️️ return️️️ reunion revolver rice rich right ring rings rip️ rip️️ rip️️️ road roar robot rocket‍ rocket‍‍ rocket‍‍‍ rock‍️ rock‍️‍️ rock‍️‍️‍️ rodent rofl roll rolling rose round royalty rs rude rules run running‍️ running‍️‍️ running‍️‍️‍️ rush russian sad sahara said️ said️️ said️️️ sake sale sales sale” san sand sandwich sandwich” santa sarcasm satan 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spiral spoke spooky️ spooky️️ spooky️️️ spoon sports spots spring spy️‍️️‍️ squid squirrel sr stadium stage stalk star starbucks starbucks4 stare starry stars start started states station steps‍️‍️ steps‍️‍️‍️ stew stone stop stopped stripes strong strong… student study stuffed stunned stupid‍️ stupid‍️‍️ stupid‍️‍️‍️ style subreddit success suck sucked sucking sucks suit suits️️️ sum summer sun sunflower sunny️ sunny️️️ sunset support surgery surprise surprised surrender sushi swearing sweat sweden sweet swift swim swimming swirl sword symbols symphony syringe taco tag taiwan talk tap tape tape” target tea teach team tears tech technology teenager teeth telephone️️️ television tell telling temperature temple tennis terrified territories territory terrorism test testé text th thank thanks theater therapist‍️ therapist‍️‍️ therapist‍️‍️‍️ things think thinking third thirst thirsty this this” thot three throne through ticket tickets tiger time tired titanic to tobacco toddler toilet 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あなたは私のことを何と言ったの?私がネイビーシールズでクラスのトップを卒業したことを知ってもらいます。アルクエダで数々の秘密の襲撃に関与しており、300人以上の殺害が確認されています。私はゴリラ戦の訓練を受けており、全米軍の中で最高の狙撃兵です。あなたは私には何の役にも立たず、ただの別のターゲットです。この地球上でこれまで見られなかったような正確さで性交を一掃します、私のクソ言葉をマークします。あなたはインターネットで私にそのたわごとを言うことで逃げることができると思いますか?もう一度考えて、ファッカー。私たちが話している間、私はアメリカ中のスパイの秘密のネットワークに連絡しており、あなたのipは現在追跡されているので、嵐、うじ虫の準備をよりよくすることができます。あなたが人生と呼ぶ哀れな小さなことを一掃する嵐。お前は死んだぞ私はどこにでも、いつでもいることができ、700以上の方法であなたを殺すことができます。それは私の素手だけです。私は非武装戦闘で広範囲に訓練されているだけでなく、私は米国海兵隊の兵器全体にアクセスでき、大陸の顔からあなたの惨めなお尻を拭き取るためにそれを最大限に使用します、あなたはちょっとくそ。もしあなただけが、あなたの小さな「賢い」コメントがあなたに降りかけようとしている不誠実な報復が何であるかを知ることができたなら、たぶんあなたはあなたのクソ舌を握っていただろう。しかし、あなたはできなかったし、そうしなかったし、今やあなたは代価を払っているのだ。私はあなたのいたるところに激怒し、あなたはそれに溺れます。お前は死んだぞ、キッド️️ ️ ️although ️‍ ️‍️ ️‍️‍️‍ ️⃣ ️️ ️️️ � 𝓼𝓱𝓾𝓽 𝓾𝓹
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This is all the words u/emoji-fier detects

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first fish fist five flag flame flight floor flower flowers flushed fly food football formula fortnite forward four fr frame free french fresh friend friendship fries frozen fruit fuck fucked fucker fucking fuk full fun funeral funny future ga game games garbage gas gay️‍ gay️‍️‍ gay️‍️‍️‍ gem gender general gentleman german get gf gift girl girls git giết giờ glad glass globe gloves goat good goodbye good” goofy gorilla government grasp graveyard great green grimace grinning gross group guinea guitar gun gust guy guy… haha hair halloween hamburger hammer hand hands hands’ happiness️ happy hash️⃣️⃣ hat hate have head health healthy hear heart hearts️️ heaven hedgehog heis helicopter hello help here hey hi high highway him‍ hipster‍️ history hit hobby hoe hoes hole home homosexual️‍ honey hoot hope horns horse hospital hot house houses how hr hug hugs huh human hundred hurricane hurt i id idea idiot idiots ikea ill increase india industry info information injured innocent instrument 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microphone middle midnight military milk mind minor mm moai mom mom” money monitor monkey monster month️ month️️ month️️️ moon️️ moon️️️ more morning morocco mother motorcycle mountain mouse mouth movie moving mr music mắt nail nation nature neck nervous never new next nigga niggas night nine no noise noon nope north northern nose note notes nothing notification numbers nurse‍️ nurse‍️‍️ nursing nut obtain ocean office ok okay ok… old ole omg on one one️hour open orange order other out package pair panda paper parents parent‍ parking️️ parking️️️ party pass pause pay payment peace peach peehle pen people percent perfect person philippines phone photo physics pick pie pig pineapple pink pizza place planet plane‍️‍️ plane‍️‍️‍️ planning plant play please please” podcast point poison poisoned police‍️ police‍️‍️ police‍️‍️‍️ pool poop pork potty pound power practice praise pray present president press previous️ previous️️ previous️️️ price pride princess privacy problem️ problem️️ 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The Dime Against the Grain

The effervescence of your incorporable likeness is self-aggrandizing
Into the lavation I shall travel.
Cease
Not.
Those clouds above
They are bowling.
I would bet all of
Your money
That I could
Press an ant
Into eternity.
My wastebasket
Is art.
I call it
The Immaterial Oppressive Regime of the Proletariat.
A bug sits on a leaf
It’s just sitting there.
I wonder what it’s thinking
As it just
Sits there
On that leaf
Unmoving
Doing the opposite of moving
Which is just sitting there
Or standing there
Or whatever verb you want to use
Whichever you use
It’s just
Unmoving
Unmoving
Because it isn’t moving
Because in order to be
Not
Unmoving
Otherwise known as
Moving
It has to
You know
Move
At least a little bit.
It actually doesn’t have to move
A lot
In order to be considered
Not unmoving.
But in order to be considered
Unmoving
It has to be perfectly still
Perfectly
Unmoving.
Even the teensiest flicker
The most minute shift
And suddenly it’s gone
From unmoving
To moving.
Dirt is sun
Dirt is sun
Dirt is sun
Dirt is sun
Dirt is sun
Dirt is sun
Dirt is sun
Dirt is sun
Dirt is sun
Girt is sun
There is a shiny crash.
In truth, I am the opposite of outgoing
And it’s too late to shift from this draconian mindset.
The green carpenter loaded his carpet
Into his truck
In a way that is permissible
But he was replaced anyway.
How observant of you.
Rejoice authority!
For in this righteous yard there lay
A hammer.
Funny.
It’s false.
The fence fell down.
The chilly chill sent it
On vacation.
An ill-fated one
Without a camera.
My sister is gaping at the same
Living thing
Alive
Despite its violent upbringing
And rapidly inventing
The plough for frogs
Marching succinctly past the cars
Toying with lace
And threatening the government
With its nasty peg leg.
Up the hill
Goes the dime
Against the grain
And its tasty meal
Burns dad’s tongue
It has crossed the line
And made his condition worse;
An imaginary one to be sure
But that is no excuse
Like an airplane
Being tiny.
And as I do what I’m supposed to do
And subtract from the arguing blot
I will take all the seemly changeable decorum
And shatter all the hope that exists upon the shelf
With bunch a single punch.
Wild.
The playground is subdued today.
The elfin trail
Far from being known to the public
Was actually a back path
For dinosaurs’ voices.
What a bore
To flip a pan.
Super.
Take this delicate
But gaudy shirt
And rip it
Just to see how tough it actually is
Otherwise you’ll have to be big
And admit that the only way that
You can soothe your wounds
Is to take a beer can
And dance with it
Like it’s an undesirable hag.
Want to let off some steam
And haunt your arresting officer?
Then take a metal coil
Set it in between two books
And stare at it
Until the two are married.
Then they’ll go after each other’s throats
Fumbling around and all that fancy stuff
Until they decide to spend some time in a cemetery
And after paying off they’re debt
They can finally have themselves a real somber time
By pacing atop a pig’s grave
And following close behind
A shaved sheep
Agonizing over his lost weight
Knowing that he will have to start over.
Are you available?
And now, here stands this wide-eyed
Resolute
If perhaps slightly tenuous,
But still remarkably fair
And quite political
Not the least bit abusive
Honorable Judge
A rather clever man
Who would nonchalantly
Disapprove of doing such things
Like for example
Closing off a bridge
Simply because of a direful situation
Like the roads being icy.
Mom!
Iron my shirt
So that I may have a chance
To feel woozy tonight.
The abject failure
At the mere suggestion
Of not being able to hold on to the lovely
Albeit slightly smelly
Gal of mine, who has a cold steep influence.
Everything is imminent.
Take all the babies
And put them in a few volleyballs
Floating away.
I saw a pest this afternoon.
Internally, I was for the grey loaf
To be taken to a far away, enchanted land.
A desk
Large
Just sits there in such a pleasant manner
That I will wipe it up with the sun
Sneakily
Until it is spotless and silky.
The press had a desire
To finish the tour
Of the President’s daughter
And blind her were flashes.
I was delighted as the simplistic
Pour of the naughty beverage.
And as I set upon a voyage
Aboard a boarded ship
I wolf down eight yummy
Loafs of bread
As my flight and my quest began.
I took the fanged man
And I scattered his remains
Among the wind.
And then I dropped
The abrasive
Yet remarkably handsome
Woman with whom I’d had friction
Into a potato farm
To which she found most delightful
Or so I have been told from people who are familiar with her now.
I have to ask for those who are descriptive in your prose
Are you not aware of how shrill
Not to mention quirky
When you write your stuff down on your file hydrant?
And here lies the psychotic individual
Who made the mistake of irritating a drawer
And letting the filthy thing rot away
And then slamming that thing with a bang.
Icicle equals death.
Would you rather have a pot of gold
Or a gram of sugar?
Decide now
Otherwise your youthful self will have no other option
But to admit that thou art crooked.
Those sad Kleenexes made my nose puffy.
I hate to be the one to inform you that that doctor was a quack
Who thought that Theseus’ ship was very real.
A silo filled with corn.
Angled in such a way to crush the donkey in a didactic manner.
Okay, so maybe I’m a touch onerous
But can you blame me when violet is my favorite color?
I went down to the stockyard
And bought some aluminum wholesome.
I was poised in such a position that my friend could
With very little prompting
Take my bag of pudding pops away from me.
In my experience, throughout all my years of living and the like
I should note that I have never once had my jeans talk back to me
No matter what the weather is like, nor how smoggy it is.
The canvas just sits there upon a throne
As if it were some sort of alcoholic drink
Painstakingly watching the seconds tick by on a wall clock
As the chef makes a roll up the hallway
Fully aware that she is intentionally muddling the rug.
If you want to lighten load
Make sure you trim the fat first
Otherwise you may be responsible
For a roller coaster losing the plot
Tumbling off the stage
And being declared one of the most
Ruthlessly
Overrated things in existence
And ruin you.
You’re welcome.
I took it upon myself to personally ban all the numberless quiches
That we were are all a slave to
As if it were an arch that was simply okay with maniacal laughter.
It’s rather spiffy.
If I do say so myself.
You’re out of control.
Let it pass.
I have a collar for you
To let this humdrum fade away.
I suspect
I have your pets
Because there is an earsplitting pain
In my foot.
Tame.
I’d say that’s rather handy.
That’s mine.
I have a separate wall
To let the warm come over me.
I suppose that was a rather elegant way of putting it.
That this ring and free me from this rainstorm.
I will unfasten this screw to avoid how disillusioned I have become.
I will skate
Knowing how spectacular and graceful the educated can be.
What a pathetic cut!
I ate some tent paste earlier because I thought it was a vegetable.
Does anyone really know how to add?
Stay away!
There is stuff in here being whispered that no one need not know.
Coal is food.
Coal is food.
Coal is food.
Coal is food.
Food is coal.
Is food coal?
What a lazy sentiment!
That’s the rule.
Smash the vase.
No that’s wrong.
She’s domineering.
Five hundred forty two is a number.
Let me scream.
I have a snake in my fingers
Attached at the hilt.
Don’t you agree?
I suppose that if there were some kind of competition
That made it even the least bit probable
That an invention would allow the fragile cave
To let all the bats loose
That I could get great joy at hearing the screams fade away
As I collect loose change.
The took the blue yarn away from my sister
And teased a lie
That I spit all the time.
Upward motion.
I suppose it makes a little bit of sense to be just a teensy bit judicious
Or else the volcano will erupt and the jewel shall be lost forever
Due to your incompetent fax.
Art is fun.
Discover all the questionable doors
Which are not pipes
And allow the murky grieving aunt
To become fearful of the fireman juggling gigantic chainsaws.
I have songs in my sleeves.
If you want to take my squeeze
I can offer you something for a rather solid price.
How robust!
There’s something about working profusely
That would not be permitted
By the Count.
Heal him!
So that he won’t need insurance.
How swanky!
Now
Now
Now
Don’t be nervous
You’ll drive yourself crazy
As you stretch from grin to grin
And concern the chalk on the floor
In such an innate manner
That it is rather
Stupendous.
Man!
I have a cast on my tongue.
Makes my voice raspy
As if I had bait in my cheeks
Holding steadfast.
Never be afraid of a hug
Especially from a tiger.
Mom is orange.
Does she have jaundice?
Is anything more not exciting in all the world
Than to introduce yourself to a door
As it just sits there all unnatural like
Despite its reputation for its enormous ego.
There is no reason to be so hateful
Unless of course you want to
In which case go right ahead.
I never understood afraid.
Tis nothing more than a mere mammoth the size of a flea
Who above all else wanted nothing more to find a loss
So that it can disagree and scream at the thing about how stupid it is
That people find cork boards creepy.
There is a bite
And I want you to be grateful to me for it
That I was able to make this happen.
Help a heap.
Never let the rabbit squeal
Or it’s axiomatic
That the rabbit’s teeth will be the end.
And it’s at last I found out where the tank belongs to.
There was a billowy field where the grass grows down.
I have a sack full of flashy cats.
What makes them so flashy?
I suppose it was the fact that they had platinum in their teeth.
What makes courageous?
That’s the whole point; it’s a myth.
Shocking, isn’t it?
I had a bunch of chickens attempting to mend the sidewalk
Until the damp gave them a rather nasty cough
And they got the sheep so sick
That the size was reduced by forty one percent.
Does anyone know how to amuse a muse?
Nasty stuff, that cough syrup.
One sip and you’ve had your fill
And now the bottle is far-flung
Literally.
My mother screams at me “Clean up your tidy room!”
And so I take a truck to it.
This may raise some questions
But more importantly
I would rather admire the physique of a power strip.
Is there a treatment for the unhealthy
Or do I have to shiver in order to get a quiet cup?
There’s something a little bit slow
About yielding to the nearest comforter.
I don’t mean to be flippant
Dear
But be equable
Or I will make these polka dot dressed bumpy.
You want something to be groovy?
Set it in the dark
X-ray the thing
And see if it’s hollowed in the center
For you see
It’s impolite to ask if it is.
I feel torpid
And I expect the parsimonious landlord
To puncture my muscles again.
Brawny no more.
No it’s not fallacious
It’s hellacious.
Don’t be so ignorant
With your ad hoc attacks.
Don’t leave me hanging
Off of this moor.
That the pine tree away from me
And peel it’s skin away.
Scare away the kids.
It’s a bit nippy out here
Underneath the cherry blossoms.
I don’t care if this is jumbled
I still find it alluring
Perhaps even hypnotic
To an extent.
I own a basket of night.
There is no comparison.
Where’s the rest of it?
I knew that you could only be lucky
Before the kittens started calling you
“Magnificent.”
I have a foot
And I used it to light a match.
Underneath the ice
Is an accessible route
With which to reach the chicken
Who goes by the name
“Monsieur Tongue.”
I had both a glass of wine and a glass of milk
With my dates.
I was the edge about whether or not my nose was five inches too long.
There’s a real buzz about the tremendous effort
Of shutting down the track.
I never knew just how many people were so
So
What’s the word
Dependent.
Or maybe damaged it a better word?
I had a cat that I called Spot
And she succeeded at being quite garrulous.
Some might even say
Defiant.
I needed an adjustment.
Reach up!
Balance on that beam!
It’s easy.
It’s glowing!
Go into space and asphyxiate yourself!
There was lumpy stuff in the potatoes
I think they were cactus.
I still needed to eat dinner
And I know better than to be needless
So I touch my food with my cheek
And dance on the table
Until I am given the check.
How naïve I was.
I thought I would be given a discount
But I was wrong.
So I gave him the title to my car
And figured that would suffice.
It didn’t.
So I was force-fed gallons and gallons of organic ice cream
Until I was vomiting.
Nice.
I want to be able to toke put my head in a stove
And live to tell the story.
Is that so much to ask?
Lettuce
Excuse me
Let us do what we want.
There’s an ice pick somewhere about
And it has taken the form of a quarter
Of a pan of boiling water.
That was such an abortive analogy.
Is it possible that I’m not as pumped as I want to be?
I want there to be a glistening
Pointless however it may be.
The duck has been roasted
But was then immediately abandoned
Just in case you’re wondering if they were
Not keen on baking.
Man, you’re so husky.
I sit on a sofa.
I wave to the chef.
I fasten my belt.
And on the whole
I would say that there’s something mighty special
About preserving concrete.
Does knowing science
Make you knowledgeable?
Can an unsightly earthquake
Be striped like a zebra?
How can I attract
The attention
Of a porter?
Make a scene
No matter how tawdry?
Paint myself so that it looks like
I am a character in a black-and-white movie
Like Humphrey Bogart?
Or maybe I hit a double right out of the park?
Slip on a bar of soap white?
Whatever the case may be
I would suggest that you not judge me
For all the good things that I’ve done
I’d rather be judged on all the things I’m ashamed of.
I like trains just a little bit too much.
I get anxious when I’m away from them for too long.
Put your affairs in order
Before you’re kaput.
That ought to terrify you;
Spraying the field.
I tried to warn the obedient, famous, and clumsy actress
That she gets no respect
When she tries to hang a photo
Of a drowned brick
On the wall in her house.
I cannot support that
And think most decent hardworking people can’t either.
There is something panoramic
About this system
At the airport;
I had a pet rock
Named Francis
That I threw like a wide receiver
At her head.
How quaint.
How simple.
I’m bored.
Entertain me, plebs!
I know there’s something vigorous
About retiring.
I own an oval.
Like an actual oval.
Not something oval shaped
But the actual oval.
It’s mine now.
It’s flat.
And lonely.
And surprisingly forgetful.
I went out dancing in the waves
And when my interest waned
I ceased pedaling.
Riddle me this;
You will satisfy them.
Disastrous results
Will arise
From the abaft
If you were to impulsively
Leap from the ratty dinghy.
Bump.
Bump.
Bump.
Well how about that;
There was a rod in my hand this whole time!
I think I shall frame it
And unite everyone together.
I want to play a game of marbles.
I never did when I was a kid
And I feel like I’m missing out
Even if it does seem kind of lame.
I bet kids are like giants to the marbles.
I let everything run amuck because I felt like it.
The ghost stood on the back porch
In a superficial kind of way
But still functional
Wagging his finger
At the shaggy mutt
Because it messed up
By taking a bathe in the sun.
I would advise you
If you were angry
To not bounce over to the zoo
For you see I left my elbow there
When I went on a class trip.
This is what happens you don’t take care of your body.
Perfect.
I live in a rural area;
It’s not really that frightening
Aside from literally everything about it.
Smile!
Darn ya!
Smile!
I want to yell from the basement
Underneath my collection of stockings.
I bathe in beef
From time to time.
I find more endurable
Than those womanly perfume baths.
The only problem with it is that it makes me sneeze.
I was a visitor once.
It made me appreciate
How envious
People are of my abode.
My cheeks are a little bit itchy.
Time to scratch it with a knife.
Well don’t be so enthusiastic to volunteer.
Scattered about the room
Is a teeny bit of chocolate
Which I gave to my pal Skip
Who found the whole thing rather splendid.
I don’t want you to be disturbed
But there was an attempt
To strip
That athlete’s accolades away from him
Because of something he did
At some event
Long ago.
Well I’ll be go to the moon
I happen to like grape milk.
It takes the shape of a savory shepherd
Dressed all dapper like.
I don’t know why everyone be teaching
The Earth is round
When the Earth is a hexagon.
Does that resonant with you?
For you see
It’s a common stereotype
That rednecks put
Inside other people’s mailboxes
Tomatoes
But my calculation
I can guarantee you
That it’s not true.
I know your itching for it to be so
But it ain’t.
I took the tightfisted old man
And put him next to a mass
Of gelatin
For him to wrestle with.
It was such a fantastic activity
To watch him
Reason with this gruesome thing.
It melted on the spot
From his words.
I have to admit
It was a little bit scary.
Do I exist?
Baseball can be fun.
It’s an old ancient sport
That’s best enjoyed
Next to an oceanic view.
It’s only natural
To sedate yourself with beer
Rather than develop
A parched throat.
On the wire
Sits some birds.
What is this thing?
Actually, I don’t want to know.
Be a rebel
And don’t smoke pot.
I don’t want to be anywhere near that sweater
That boring
Yet surprisingly dazzling
Sweater.
Is there anything to enter?
Like a flimsy door or a country contest?
I was to fall up a mountain.
I don’t care if it’s callous to me to say
I want to soak in a tub full of heavy beads.
How majestic of you
My chubby enemy!
Go into the shallow end
And paddle
Your terrible tot
With scissors.
Shy.
Shyness.
I’m going to lock myself up in my room with cable
And only come out when I need something.
Now, very briefly
Go out and buy me some clams
So that I may harm myself.
I’m in the bedroom.
What does truculent even mean?
The opposite of agreeable?
That frightens me.
I need to keep my guard up.
I am deeply sweltering.
I now own a cheap meaty spider.
How grotesque!
Don’t be so hysterical.
Cry only when it is of use to you.
Otherwise no one will be receptive of you.
The road isn’t uneven.
Terrific.
Now it will be crowded.
Hold on to your seat.
Nothing is defeated yet.
Do your part
And buy some war bonds.
I’m concerned
That a minute
Is not sixty seconds.
There are four seeds in this fruit
I forget what it is called
Because I need to protect its identity
In my cellar.
My snails are wakeful.
They are quite the achievers
As quills.
Absolutely unbiased
But still quite soggy.
I collected coins and put them in a bucket
And at last
I had enough to placate my chief concern
My lack of bubble gum.
Yay.
Unequal wheels.
Wait.
How can a wheel be unequal to another wheel.
My head hurts.
I need some rice.
Rush over and give me a bowl overflowing with that curious morsel.
What’s that?
A measly three?
Magically, the rest have vanished?
Go screw some screws on a safe
You spineless jellyfish!
Take your flag
And impale this jar
Of sloppy joes
With it.
Willows are evanescent.
I want you to chase this craven duck
Away from me.
This shirt is very stiff
Not very befitting of me
And it smells bad
Sort of like
Rotten milk
And it has a hole in it.
I like the foamy material on top of frozen coffee.
Into the hollow hole I shall commence standing.
The carriage disappeared
And the driver suffers from delirium.
Go around the curve
You vulgar, vile woman!
You think you’re so gorgeous!
I had to drag myself out of bad
Sorry
I meant bed
Today.
Refuse to be neighborly
If they aren’t neighborly back.
The berries collapsed.
I quite enjoy fall
Although I prefer the word autumn.
Why so upbeat?
Are you going to do this live?
In addition
To all the pancakes
That are acceptable
To eat
It is quite known
That moldy hair
Is what you get
For wandering
Away from the minister’s brother.
If you don’t want to be skinny
It’s my belief
That you should gorge on mints
Under the tree.
Ignore everything you’re smelling.
Who’s erratic?
What’s embarrassed?
Can you print that request?
Stay in your bubble
Fool.
When you wreck
Frequently
The value
Of the car
Goes down.
Take a breath.
The rabbit in the bushes is lush.
Don’t be woebegone.
Listen to the
Drip
Drip
Drip
Of the water as it
Whirls
Down
The
Drain.
There is a plan.
Take the badge
Off the coat
And injure the goat.
How puzzling
And psychedelic
Is the morning.
The furniture
Will need to carried away.
Don’t just shrug
Like some ill-informed cook.
I have a soda
Rich in vitamins and minerals.
It’s mine.
Pump that stuff
Into my ear.
There’s a party
On the calendar.
What is growth?
Something to encourage
Even without a license.
Here’s a riddle for you.
What has legs
Is useful
But sleepy
Lives on the street
Hates to race
And owns an abrupt vessel?
No idea.
You figure it out.
Open the window
To see a view.
It’s rather scintillating
Isn’t it?
Now it’s time to visit the ice cream shop.
Thou shalt not tempt me!
Nothing and everything is obsolete.
Mind the discovery!
Cabbage is cuddly
For it has a tail.
Make certain to
Stir out
All the stems.
Your precious watch
Is sticky
And goofy
And it looks dumb on your wrist.
Whip the snail into shape
Until it’s bawdy.
Complain about it.
You claim
That the way
Is through the pail.
What sort of hapless fool do you take me for?
Transport the chain
By kicking it
On a regular basis.
Bless the diligent cloudy clouds.
That’s a distinct
And flagrant
Violation of trust.
It’s not only pale
But also a little abhorrent
And a lot hilarious.
There’s a show
With a 63% chance
Of getting cancer
From secondhand smoke.
It’s at the amusement park.
It’s not adaptable
Unfortunately.
The burly homeless woman
Is a teensy bit tranquil.
I need to bury the son in blood
Or else the blade is going to be mixed up in this
Somehow.
The receipt;
Gaze upon it!
Gabby
Is going to pray
On the paint
In the glove compartment.
What a pleasure!
Prepare
The gleaming
Pile of cheese
To be eaten
In a single year.
Quartz.
I like that word.
It’s fun to read.
Is there any male?
I’m expecting a
Groan
Bill.
I wore a mitten.
I did the thinkable.
I figured I would coast
Or rather squeak by
And give money to a tramp;
A paltry penny.
Cooing.
Imagine something
More swift
Than that.
Outrageous!
This meat is expensive!
I shall deliver a wall of prose explaining why that’s bull.
It’ll be brainy
And not cluttered
In the slightest.
What an astonishing home
The mute has!
Such an astute observation.
And it’s mighty decorous.
Your turn!
Take the bustling traffic
And transform it
Into obese geese!
I will protest this grade!
Sure, I have a habitual ritual
Of taking the doubtful
And turning them hospitable
But you have to owe it to them
At least they’re not lame
And will be handsomely rewarded posthumously.
Take the bowling pin
And use it to row up the river.
Never use a basketball
Unless frogs are nearby.
Did you manage to take the brass
And put the ones most alike
And give them to the poor?
I want to make this thing explode!
Equal parts
Crown
And a steady bruise.
The exotic kettle
Made the switch.
I thought you had an agreement.
I want to be fit
But I also want to be zesty.
You must give 3 months’ notice
Otherwise I will act barbarous
All day.
The cars of the condemned
Will putter as the crowd cheers.
Don’t be so secretive all the time
You exuberant fellow!
Obey!
Faint!
Scarf down the fearless plain bagel
And then take off your shoes.
Tap dance on crayons
Particularly your young sibling’s.
What a great joke
And will liven up any drab day.
What’s tight?
Not caring?
‘Tis a sin.
That kind of behavior
Will not be fuzzy.
You belong
You normal person.
I took the dolls
And I tickled them.
They were vengeful from that day on.
What a bright holiday
For I took the supreme bleach to make it so.
So jumpy!
I have decided that I need to make an example out of you.
So that your frantic self
And leap from the top of the closet.
O the deep joy
Of the ordinary familiarity!
Save us from the extraordinary!
Recognise your flaws
When you go to town
For the only route into town
Is always home to rough weather.
I want to walk upon a beam
And take the worthless thing home with me.
What makes a bee so wistful?
Education, perhaps.
Everything just seems so hard
For everything to be so cheerful.
I remember when my cheeks were blushing
Out of fear.
I decided to knit a lackadaisical turkey
As the girls
Who are charming
But rambunctious
Bit into the tasty
Scrumptious
Bird.
I tested the crib
To make sure a star
Couldn’t be grabbed.
I set the TV tray on my toes
Because I have a sense of humor.
Throw the teat in the air
While in the wilderness
On mountainous terrain.
I must say that it is very necessary to do so
To avoid a slip.
She’s cloistered.
She has to go on a run
On grease
For that is on her bucket list.
I took the instrument
And
Lost in thought
Was rewarded with a bewildered look.
Remember to lock your doors
Especially if you want prickly people
Such as myself
Away from you.
The incandescent candle
Was left ajar
Next to a pile of rotten eggs
Which were now black.
Perhaps I should perform an operetta
In the bath.
The van was disliked
Because it was miniature.
See how it sparkles
That linen!
Use it as a veil!
I want to obtain permission to crawl under the heat duct.
What does this nonsense consist of?
Don’t be so dramatic
When you raise.
In order to soak the meat
You must first thaw it.
I took the nut from the tall squirrel.
I have a meeting with a mere army general.
It is unadvised.
I think there are rabbits hiding inside the walls
So there’s only one thing to do;
Pull it down.
There’s a third woman
Who is beautiful
But squeamish.
Inside the sink
Four children sat.
They went to go earn cash
So they wouldn’t depend
On their confused parents.
Language makes you apathetic.
I went to the table
And signed
What I was feeling.
Alleged
A lawyer’s favorite word.
What is it about existence
That makes us eager to deceive?
What’s valuable?
Observe.
Surround the hills.
The gunpowder is ceaseless.
Take the harsh marks
And scrub them.
You’re strong.
You can do it.
The people
In the park
Are ultra-lewd.

Who am I?
I am a thief
A thief that cannot be arrested
Even if I have taken something
Far more valuable to you
Than either gold or jewels.
Your
Precious
Finite

Time
submitted by jsrrayburn to ShittyPoetry [link] [comments]

I am about to post the 3000 most common words in the English lexicon. Wish me luck...

a abandon ability able abortion about above abroad absence absolute absolutely absorb abuse academic accept access accident accompany accomplish according account accurate accuse achieve achievement acid acknowledge acquire across act action active activist activity actor actress actual actually ad adapt add addition additional address adequate adjust adjustment administration administrator admire admission admit adolescent adopt adult advance advanced advantage adventure advertising advice advise adviser advocate affair affect afford afraid African African-American after afternoon again against age agency agenda agent aggressive ago agree agreement agricultural ah ahead aid aide AIDS aim air aircraft airline airport album alcohol alive all alliance allow ally almost alone along already also alter alternative although always AM amazing American among amount analysis analyst analyze ancient and anger angle angry animal anniversary announce annual another answer anticipate anxiety any 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composition comprehensive computer concentrate concentration concept concern concerned concert conclude conclusion concrete condition conduct conference confidence confident confirm conflict confront confusion Congress congressional connect connection consciousness consensus consequence conservative consider considerable consideration consist consistent constant constantly constitute constitutional construct construction consultant consume consumer consumption contact contain container contemporary content contest context continue continued contract contrast contribute contribution control controversial controversy convention conventional conversation convert conviction convince cook cookie cooking cool cooperation cop cope copy core corn corner corporate corporation correct correspondent cost cotton couch could council counselor count counter country county couple courage course court cousin cover coverage cow crack craft crash crazy cream create creation creative creature credit crew crime criminal crisis criteria critic critical criticism criticize crop cross crowd crucial cry cultural culture cup curious current currently curriculum custom customer cut cycle dad daily damage dance danger dangerous dare dark darkness data date daughter day dead deal dealer dear death debate debt decade decide decision deck declare decline decrease deep deeply deer defeat defend defendant defense defensive deficit define definitely definition degree delay deliver delivery demand democracy Democrat democratic demonstrate demonstration deny department depend dependent depending depict depression depth deputy derive describe description desert deserve design designer desire desk desperate despite destroy destruction detail detailed detect determine develop developing development device devote dialogue die diet differ difference different differently difficult difficulty dig digital dimension dining dinner direct direction directly director dirt dirty disability disagree disappear 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respond respondent response responsibility responsible rest restaurant restore restriction result retain retire retirement return reveal revenue review revolution rhythm rice rich rid ride rifle right ring rise risk river road rock role roll romantic roof room root rope rose rough roughly round route routine row rub rule run running rural rush Russian sacred sad safe safety sake salad salary sale sales salt same sample sanction sand satellite satisfaction satisfy sauce save saving say scale scandal scared scenario scene schedule scheme scholar scholarship school science scientific scientist scope score scream screen script sea search season seat second secret secretary section sector secure security see seed seek seem segment seize select selection self sell Senate senator send senior sense sensitive sentence separate sequence series serious seriously serve service session set setting settle settlement seven several severe sex sexual shade shadow shake shall shape share sharp she sheet shelf shell shelter shift shine ship shirt shit shock shoe shoot shooting shop shopping shore short shortly shot should shoulder shout show shower shrug shut sick side sigh sight sign signal significance significant significantly silence silent silver similar similarly simple simply sin since sing singer single sink sir sister sit site situation six size ski skill skin sky slave sleep slice slide slight slightly slip slow slowly small smart smell smile smoke smooth snap snow so so-called soccer social society soft software soil solar soldier solid solution solve some somebody somehow someone something sometimes somewhat somewhere son song soon sophisticated sorry sort soul sound soup source south southern Soviet space Spanish speak speaker special specialist species specific specifically speech speed spend spending spin spirit spiritual split spokesman sport spot spread spring square squeeze stability stable staff stage stair stake stand standard standing star stare start state statement station statistics status stay steady steal steel step stick still stir stock stomach stone stop storage store storm story straight strange stranger strategic strategy stream street strength strengthen stress stretch strike string strip stroke strong strongly structure struggle student studio study stuff stupid style subject submit subsequent substance substantial succeed success successful successfully such sudden suddenly sue suffer sufficient sugar suggest suggestion suicide suit summer summit sun super supply support supporter suppose supposed Supreme sure surely surface surgery surprise surprised surprising surprisingly surround survey survival survive survivor suspect sustain swear sweep sweet swim swing switch symbol symptom system table tablespoon tactic tail take tale talent talk tall tank tap tape target task taste tax taxpayer tea teach teacher teaching team tear teaspoon technical technique technology teen teenager telephone telescope television tell temperature temporary ten tend tendency tennis tension tent term terms terrible territory terror terrorism terrorist test testify testimony testing text than thank thanks that the theater their them theme themselves then theory therapy there therefore these they thick thin thing think thinking third thirty this those though thought thousand threat threaten three throat through throughout throw thus ticket tie tight time tiny tip tire tired tissue title to tobacco today toe together tomato tomorrow tone tongue tonight too tool tooth top topic toss total totally touch tough tour tourist tournament toward towards tower town toy trace track trade tradition traditional traffic tragedy trail train training transfer transform transformation transition translate transportation travel treat treatment treaty tree tremendous trend trial tribe trick trip troop trouble truck true truly trust truth try tube tunnel turn TV twelve twenty twice twin two type typical typically ugly ultimate ultimately unable uncle under undergo understand understanding unfortunately uniform union unique unit United universal universe university unknown unless unlike unlikely until unusual up upon upper urban urge us use used useful user usual usually utility vacation valley valuable value variable variation variety various vary vast vegetable vehicle venture version versus very vessel veteran via victim victory video view viewer village violate violation violence violent virtually virtue virus visible vision visit visitor visual vital voice volume volunteer vote voter vs vulnerable wage wait wake walk wall wander want war warm warn warning wash waste watch water wave way we weak wealth wealthy weapon wear weather wedding week weekend weekly weigh weight welcome welfare well west western wet what whatever wheel when whenever where whereas whether which while whisper white who whole whom whose why wide widely widespread wife wild will willing win wind window wine wing winner winter wipe wire wisdom wise wish with withdraw within without witness woman wonder wonderful wood wooden word work worker working works workshop world worried worry worth would wound wrap write writer writing wrong yard yeah year yell yellow yes yesterday yet yield you young your yours yourself youth zone
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